BREAKING NEWS: AIRLINES CHANGE NOMENCLATURE OF TICKETS TO “UNFARES” AFTER REALIZING THEY HAVE BEEN SCREWING CONSUMERS FOR YEARS
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Palo Alto (AP) – Amid rumors Oprah’s OWN Network is failing, Oprah has announced that she will be buying Facebook for $50 billion in cash. While Forbes has announced annually that she only has around $2 billion, she explained that the reason for her periodic weight gain is that she has been hiding the cash in her stomach, which actually makes sense. With news of the acquisition they also announced that they will be changing the name to OBOOK. In addition to the renaming she will be changing all 600 million users profile picture to a picture of herself. We reached out to Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil for further comment and have yet to hear back (they were on a date). Popularity: 39% [?] It must be impossible to throw Julian Assange a surprise birthday party. Popularity: 22% [?] When Pat Sajak gets married he is going to renew his vowels. Popularity: 23% [?] Your tweet is important to me. It will be answered in the order it was received. Your current wait time is 23 tweets. Popularity: 22% [?]
When the state fixes or repairs roads, they feel the need to charge us double for traffic violations. It is only fair that we should get a discount if the road is old or if there are other problems with the road. Maybe Sundays can be 35 percent off because the road was built by the WPA or half off Tuesdays because of excessive potholes.
Popularity: 24% [?] I am in a love/hate relationship with love/hate relationships. Popularity: 22% [?]
We reached out to Pharaoh’s publicist and will update when we know what they think about this move. Popularity: 27% [?] I guess he just got a little too excited? It reminds me of Cliff O’Malley from Dead Man On Campus who would get so excited he had to hump everything. Clips of Cliff below for fun.
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